I've Got The Power!

One of the hardest things in life is accepting responsibility for yourself. At least it's hard for me. I find it easy to say that I am who I am because of my family..my mom and her struggles and not having 2 strong, stable, loving parents and a family where I was nurtured to be the best I could be. I can say so easily that it's harder for me than most people because I don't really have a mom, and at a young age began to accept the responsibility of fitting into a mother role. But you know what? I think that I need to realize that God gives us each our own struggles, and they are so different for each of us. Maybe someone else has a different struggle than me but it's just as hard for them as mine is for me. Maybe it's all relative. And we are just supposed to be doing the best with what we have. But we have to take reposibility for whatever we do with what's given us. And maybe the reason that we are given certain circumstances is that we can help someone else along the road with our compassion. Maybe they are supposed to make us more like Jesus. I think that's the truth. All I know is that it's hard to be responsible.

life, life, life

Man, I just gotta say. I was driving down the road yesterday, thinking back on my life, and for some reason was so touched! And I am SO glad that I've learned how to live! How to live is a simple concept actually. What you just have to do is get out there and be yourself, and make mistakes. And make a lot of mistakes. Then learn how to apologize for your mistakes, and do it often. But try your hardest, and do everything to the best of your ability. And the best thing is how, for a while back there, I used to be the girl who didn't say much, who was like, the definition of insecure, and came home almost every day and cried! But now, it's like things have taken such a turn for the better. The light has definitely come in :)
Wow.

gratitude!

Don't worry, this is not a negative post ;)

I am thankful for:
- good hairdo days!
- time that heals things
- my FATHER! I had the greatest talk with him this morning. I told him about the "Oil Apacolypse" problem and we just talked about it. It was kind of causing me a little bit of stress, because it seems like a very valid problem, you know, that the world could go into a global recession and then start a humongous war. So I told him that well, the worst I can think of is that I'd end up on the side of the road starving. And really, as long as I have God, i can't think it'd be that bad, you know? Well he said that God is always going to make provision for people, it's just a promise he has made. So that is kind of cool! And very reassuring. :-)
- new running shoes.
- SPRINGTIME! I can almost start growing my garden! Wooo hoo!

Maybe...I should just go live in a hole. ?

hmm..

I feel free. I AM free. And for once, I am appreciating it :) I can be whoever I choose to be, and i can really become that person. There's nothing holding me back.

And I hope you feel like that too. It's a good way to feel :)

it's all in where you plant yourself

This morning I witnessed the most beautiful thing. I have been hoping for a moment of inspiration lately, and this morning I guess you could say it happened. I decided to take a morning walk because it's one of my favorite things to do. So I went out and saw a little creek I hadn't noticed before, in all the other times I've come here. All around, the leaves, trees, bushes, ground and even the sky were brown and dull-colored, but there was a little stream running through this property, and all the grass surrounding the stream was green and lush. So beautiful.

Psalm 1:3..."And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper."

:)

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Well hellloo grass :) haha. I don't know how to make background pictures smaller on here and I am tired of trying to figure it out! So thenceforth, it shall remain so.
I am having an interesting Saturday so far. It's a totally beautiful day out there, by the way. I woke up with the sun shining on my face and looked outside and there was just white everywhere... on the tree limbs, on the car, on the...ground, everywhere. And it was just like a candyland scene, one with sugar frosting covering everything. The sun just intensified it, you know? Everything sparkles.
Anyways. I better do something productive today :)

life evaluation #17,584,920

(*NOTE: I am going to just go ahead and stick with my theme of complainingness on here... I just need to get stuff out :) )

Call it growing up.
Call it just being sad and having a bad outlook.
Call it...the end of innocence.
Is there something wrong with me, or is it just part of growing up?
I almost never get that feeling that "all is right in the world" anymore.
It's like life is just one big series of struggles and situations that stress me out and albeit, there are definitely small happinesses in the day to day events, but mainly life just seems...hard.
There is no one anymore to just simply take care of everything.
to take care of you.
To make you dinner and let you just run off and take care of your own life and not worry about others'.
To take care of the family.
I know now that nothing will ever be perfect.
I know that in life I am going to have to work hard, and dang hard, for things I want. Even love.
I know that even the best piano performance in the world that I could do won't make me an idol. Maybe people will think about it for an hour afterwards. Maybe. Then they will go on living their own lives.
I know that I am not the best. I know i'm somewhere in the middle.
I know that there will always be bad days where I feel like just giving up, but i'll have to make the choice to go on.
I know that I probably won't find the person I am going to marry next. I'll most likely have to go through at least another broken heart in my lifetime.

Those small things don't fill me with joy anymore, like a beautiful, crisp fall apple or even something as simple as washing my hands with good smelling soap under warm water.
Call it the end of idealism?
Or just reality?

planning

AHH. I HATE PLANNING STUFF!! I hate being the one to figure everything out for everyone, and coordinate all the scheduling, and do everything while everyone else doesn't do anything.
I don't like just planning my life, and figuring out where to go to college and figuring out everything else. I just want to LIVE my life, and I don't like holdups. Jeepers.
For some reason I am just a little bit angry right now.
Breath, breath.

Sorry that these posts are always sort of on the troubled side :)

where we belong

Well, tomorrow we are leaving to go back home. One thing that I hate is leaving. It's like one of the worst feelings to me, and I don't even know why. But as my aunt just stated, "Well, we all have to go back to where we belong sometime". So true.

One of the things I have been thinking about lately is politics. This one thing is so dividing amongst people. I don't even understand them completely, and i wish I did more. But most of my family is conservative... farmers, hunters, hippie-hating, Obama-detesting, the whole nine yards. Actually, that is one side of my family, and then the other side is very liberal. It's kind of funny. It's just...which side do I fit into? I feel kind of half and half.. I always see both sides of any issue, it seems, so it's hard to pick a side. I am just a peaceful, loving, caring person but also hard-working and spiritual, and I don't want to be defined by a political side.

OH DEAR! Someone else let me know what you think? Are politics really that big of a deal? I am starting to see things in light of which political side people belong to. Except, it kind of ruins things because it's so black and white. Sometimes I don't like being a teenager because you have to find out all of these things about yourself and define yourself somehow.

My politics are love, peace, acceptance, respect, humor, hardwork.... sigh. I just need to figure things out. :)

hurt

Here's my first post.
And sadly, I think the subject matter will be hurt.

The most hurtful thing is that you said that you would always care and would always love me. The second most hurtful thing is that it happened completely out of the blue...and tonight I could have been with you in your presence enjoying you and being loved, and not alone.
Oh Britton, my sweet Britton, beautiful Britton.
I am going to miss you so much.

And it hurts to much for words. It hurts too much for music. It hurts too much for comfort, but it doesn't hurt enough to not be felt.